SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID;
Recipient: Pinch-hit for mik8la
Characters/Pairings: Castiel, Lucifer, Michael, Raphael, Gabriel, Uriel, Zachariah, God!Chuck
Warnings/Spoilers: God being God, humour.
Notes/Prompt: The prompt was, I'd love a family portrait of Cas and his weird, screwed-up family. Either in pictures or writing. I decided to take that literally.
Word Count: 1,016
Summary: The angels get together for a family portrait.
Textures by night_fate. Pictures were found on Google Images.
What better way for evil to manifest than through genetalia?
1. 2. 3.
"I was released from my eternal prison for this?"
Lucifer's arms were crossed. He was unamused.
The other angels kept staring at him like he had a venereal disease or something. Which, by angel standards, he basically did.
What better way for evil to manifest than through genetalia?
Zachariah shot Lucifer a disdainful look.
"What's he doing here?"
The question was directed towards Michael, but Michael was too busy burning a hole in Lucifer's chest with the force of his glare to answer.
"He was just leaving," said the Devil on a wry note.
Lucifer was about to ditch this popsicle stand and traipse on down to a party he heard was being thrown in Sodom and Gomorrah, when a garish flash of lightning stopped him.
"Lucifer," came a voice sent from Heaven above; a voice born of booming thunder, of untold power wrapped in unsolved mystery with a creamy caramel center. "Behave yourself."
Beautiful bright energies seemed to surround the tone, swaddle it in warmth, cradle it in strength, rock it in arms made of love, and sing really really awesome lullabies to it.
"But--" Lucifer started, his eyes narrowing.
"Don't make me put you in time out again, mister."
The embodiment of evil itself rolled his eyes.
The swirls of crackling mystery were blown away in a sudden rush of wind to reveal none other than Chuck.
God clapped his hands and rubbed his palms together.
"Great! Now you guys just wait here. I'll go get my Polaroid."
Polaroid's weren't invented yet, but God was just awesome like that.
He dissipated like a gentle mist, leaving behind an entire garrison of befuddled angels and one Devil.
His head popped back a moment later, because God was just creepy like that.
"Oh, and Castiel? Can you make sure they don't kill each other while I'm gone?"
The whole not killing each other thing? Yeah, that was easier said than done.
Castiel had a brief moment to contemplate why God would charge him with this particular task. The only thing he could come up was the very real possibility that God was cruel and capricious, but since this was a blasphemous thing to think, he discarded the idea immediately.
He decided it was probably some kind of test, since those were fairly common nowadays.
"Don't think too hard," said a voice to his right, and Castiel tilted his head to watch Lucifer approach.
"You'll hurt yourself," the Devil continued, then clapped a hand across Castiel's shoulder and watched with smug satisfaction as the uptight angel stiffened further.
Oddly enough, Cas hadn't had to worry about Lucifer cracking his sanity and spilling bloodshed out onto the floor. But the whole touching thing was starting to get out of hand.
Lucifer had a viable excuse, of course.
"I couldn't feel anything in that prison," he'd said. "Sensation is new to me."
Still, the passing brushes and the flutter of feathers was unexpected and somewhat cumbersome. The other angels had called Lucifer on his bullshit almost instantly, flying off the handle every time he ran a hand through their hair or fingered the edge of their clothing. Michael had nearly torn his head off. Uriel had frowned so deep, the look had etched itself onto his face.
Lucifer hadn't even gotten a chance to get near Raphael, because Raphael had death-glared him into submission.
Castiel on the other hand… Castiel wasn't really the forceful type.
Not to an Archangel.
Not to the Lightbringer.
Lucifer, being ever the opportunist, had taken full advantage of this.
"So how has Daddy-dearest been treating everyone since my little time-out?"
Castiel ignored him.
"Been dabbling in all your affairs, or has He finally taken that vacation He's talked so much about?"
Castiel ignored him harder.
"Oh, come now. You can't ignore me forever."
Maybe not, but Castiel could damn well try.
Or, well, he could have, but then a Norse god popped up in the middle of their little slice of Heaven and just ruined the entire effect.
"Honey, I'm hoooome."
Loki was a badass.
Gabriel had taken this persona to heart.
He wasn't going to come, at first. The whole thing sounded absolutely awful. Everyone getting together for a family portrait, just so Dad could have something to carry around in His wallet to make up for the fact that He was a dead beat? Boooooring.
That is, until Gabriel realized that everyone was getting together, and if that wasn't gonna be the source of endless amounts of amusement, he didn't know what would.
The second he appeared, he soaked up the confused looks of everyone around him.
Ah, he loved the smell of ignorance in the morning.
"Miss me?" he asked, then let his gaze sweep around the room. "Where are the finger foods? Damn, this party bites."
He snapped his fingers and a table with a large array of silver plates appeared.
The dismembered fingers were arranged rather prettily.
"Gabriel," berated a gravelly voice, and Gabe spun around to face the speaker.
"Castiel," he said broadly, then pressed forward and embraced the other angel, if for nothing else but the simple fact that it would piss him off.
Castiel froze, stiffened, then let out a longsuffering breath.
It was going to be a long day.
When God came back, Heaven was on fire.
"I can't leave you kids alone for two minutes," the Almighty mumbled, then snapped His fingers and set everything back in its regular place. The angels were aligned in a row before Him, some with doggedly confused looks on their faces.
"Hey Pops," waved Gabriel, and God smiled.
"I've got the camera," He said, then held it up as if to present the proof. "Had to travel all the way through time just to get to it."
Lucifer raised his hand like the good child he wasn't.
"Why didn't You just make one Yourself?"
God paused, opened His mouth, closed it, then started again.
"I work in mysterious ways."